How to be an ideal H4? ;)

We all know that economies the world over are in a state of despair. Naturally, the economies of individual households are affected too. How do I optimise my savings and how do I save enough to support everyone who depends on me? is an unanswered question many of us try to find answers to. Here the problem definition itself is complex and the secondary aspects of this problem are plenty.

However, for an Indian on a H1B its a question which holds much larger deeper significance. When a highly skilled resource is sponsored to work here, he/she brings along his/her spouse who are equally or much more qualified. They are not able to convert their visa statuses for lack of sponsors or because the lottery system didn't find them lucky enough and end up arriving to the US on a dependant visa which doesn't allow them to work or create enterprises of their own. With the cost of living being a concern they more often then not ponder over their visible state of unemployment with despair.This has been chronicled in detail in this article last year in the San Francisco Chronicle http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/08/MNC1VBQEO.DTL

However, this write up in not about moping in the dark. Its about choices and individual needs of emotional ambivalence(according to Hindu scriptures, reaching a state of emotional ambivalence is equal to achieving nirvana/salvation). Everyone would ideally aspire to be in a state of balance - a zone of complete peace and acceptance of choices. But some of us may not know as to how we can deal with /anticipate the magnitude of these choices. In every economy there are women who are similar to the women who are on a H4.

Women who may not know how to drive, are newly married, who had to give up successful careers,had to relocate, had to understand and assimilate a different culture and financially depend on their husbands.

This is a temporary phase. More often than not, with time, this phase passes by. The visa gets modified, one becomes gainfully employed either in the US or travels the world and explores possibilities. However, what happens to those women/spouses whose mental state doesn't change, who do not get back to using their abilities, to contribute to the well-being of themselves and their environment, who because of this brief sense of void loose interest and hope in all that they were capable of.

My commandments to people who feel cluastrophobic/alien/unforgiving towards their spouses for having heaped a life in a country not their own/who feel they got off the material bandwagon as they no longer earn are the following:

• 'Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam' the world is one family - we will all fall together and raise together.The US or any other country contains people just like us. They are compassionate, honorable and friendly. They face the same issues as you do and will be patient and willing to give you a fair chance if you are willing to give your best
• Many of your own neighbours may not have jobs and have problems which may be much larger than your own. Volunteer to teach and guide thier children. Learn how you can connect with your community and embrace it as your own. Find a sense of purpose in spreading happiness and content
• You more often than not represent a country rich in its heritage and values. Uphold them to find inner peace and accept with humility that one's career doesnt define in completeness the person that one is
• There are beautiful funny things happening around us all the time.Find humor in not understanding signals and directions, trends and fashion, food and music and embrace them like your own. They will end up speaking your language
• Be willing to help a stranger in need. A person is as alien as you want them to be
• You can innovate through imitation. Learn today, teach tomorrow
• Do not loose childlike curiosity
• Pledge to love unconditionally
• Learn your family history and pass it on to your children
• There are ebbs and flows, like optimism and pessimism, ideality is found in realism. Embrace reality, perceptions, prejudices and preconceived notions only isolate you

The above commandments are a compilation and in essence the spirit of many Indian women who are on H4 and the inspiration I have found in them. I am myself on a H4 and understand the different mindgames one goes through once in a while.